Cheating Husband?

19 Feb

Letterbalm Black Suspicious Wife in Bed with HusbandDear LetterBalm: This is one of those boring letters about a wife who suspects her husband is having an affair. Samuel and I have been married 10 years, and the years and three kids have put a damper on romance. I can’t remember the last time we had a nice, romantic dinner together. Lately, he’s been secretive and paying more attention to his hygiene and wardrobe. I confess that I snooped on his computer, but I couldn’t find anything. He’s moody, and when I ask him what’s wrong, he gets angry and sleeps on the couch. (The last time we were in bed, he tried a couple of new moves.) All the classic signs, right? How do I reach him?

–Scared in Sacramento

Your suspicions are certainly unsettling. Your fears can poison your marriage, and, if your kids haven’t gotten wind that something is wrong with mom and dad, they soon will. Ms. L.B. recommends creating an opportunity for an open conversation. Your husband may come clean, reassure you, get angry or shut down – you can’t predict or control his reaction. But if you lay out your concerns in a composed and nonjudgmental way, you give him an opening to tell you what’s on his mind, sooner or later. Continue to keep the door open, a tranquil climate, in the days ahead. But first, tell him you’ll be cooking his favorite dinner and get the kids out of the house. Be calm. Say this: 

Samuel, it seems that we haven’t been entirely open with each other recently. We’re growing apart, and it concerns me. I love you so much, but I can’t tell if you still love me and want to be married to me. Please understand that if you have problems with our relationship, I want to know about them and work through them with you, if you want that. I’m open to couples counseling. I want to know how you feel, and I promise I’ll make every effort to listen and understand. Can you talk to me?

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