Lovemaking on the Rocks

15 Aug

Dear LetterBalm: After 25 years of marriage and three great kids, my wife has suddenly stopped making love. I’m talking not even letting me touch her. She won’t talk about it, won’t listen to my pleas or suggestions. It’s as though she’s a stranger. The only thing she’ll say is she’s tired. I don’t think she’s having an affair, and I think she’s still interested in sex because I accidentally found a new vibrator. What can I say?

–Lonely Between the Sheets

It’s time to review a litany of possibilities. Your wife doesn’t seem to be avoiding sex, just sex with you. She may be entering menopause and be less interested in making love with you (just with the vibrator). She may have a crush on someone. Think, man, think. Has something happened in your family or circle – a death, an accident, an illness, a falling out with a relative or friend, a teenager in distress? Ms. L.B. notes that many things can trigger a woman’s disinterest in sex, including a clumsy or insensitive spouse. Have you gained weight? How’s your hygiene? How’s your sexual technique? Are you working longer hours recently and ignoring her? Be gentle, park your ego and talk with her privately, but not in bed:

Honey, I know things have been tense with us recently, and I don’t want to add to the tension. But we can’t go on like this. Clearly, something is really bothering you because you flatly refuse to make love with me. You say you’re tired, yet when I wasn’t looking for it, I found you have a new vibrator. Grace, it’s not fair to us for you to beg off sex but use a vibrator. I’ve been wracking my brain to see what has made you so distant. Is it me? Is there someone else? Please, talk to me. I’m willing for us to go to a therapist for sex counseling. I’m entirely open to whatever you have to tell me, no matter how bad it is. We have 25 good years together, and we need to tell each other the truth.

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