No Second Chance

3 Mar

LetterBalm Second ChancesDear LetterBalm: I love a man who was unfaithful to me two years ago. It was the worst pain I’ve ever known. At that time, everybody knew what happened. We recently ran into each other and began dating again. I haven’t told anyone because I was pretty negative about him back then, and I don’t want to listen to people badmouthing him now. I think he’s sorry for what he did to me, but I’ve been reluctant to bring it up because I don’t want to make him mad. I need to know what to say to him not to lose him again.

–Scared and Anxious

Oh, where to begin. This man dealt you the greatest hurt of your life. You were humiliated in a very public way. Now you’re back together, sort of, and because you don’t want to “make him mad,” you’ve never asked him to account for his betrayal or, for that matter, prove to you that he’s a changed man and his love for you is true. Moreover, you’re anxious and scared and worried what others will think now that the two of you have reconnected. What makes you believe he will behave any differently now? Ms. L.B. wants you to do something for yourself: Without discussing this with anyone, especially the man in question, find a good therapist and explore why you want to stay in this relationship. She bets that you’ll grow stronger about what you deserve and you’ll decide to walk away. When you do decide, look deeply into the man’s eyes and say this:

Pete, we’re not going to see each other anymore. I’m moving on with my life, and there’s no place for you in it. I’ve decided this not only because you cheated on me and hurt me deeply – although that’s certainly a big reason. I now realize more than ever that I want to be with someone who values and respects me, and I don’t think you’re that man. I wish you well, and I hope you find happiness in life.



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