Fight Club

27 Aug


Letterbalm Couple FightingDear LetterBalm: My fiancé and I will be married at Christmas. But we’ve been arguing like we’re at each other’s throats. I know there’s a lot of stress when planning a wedding, but I’m so rattled by our fights that I’m considering postponing it. We fight about big and little stuff, and our fights wear us out. We apologize and make up afterwards, but we keep bringing up the same subjects, so we really haven’t resolved anything. We just feel resentful and exhausted by the horrible things we’ve said. My fiancé says we’re just stressed – he says I’m making too much of all this. I still feel he’s the one, but how can I make him see that I’m scared we might have incompatibility issues?

–Nervous About the Nuptials

Both you and your fiancé are right because you’re fighting over big and little stuff. You can benefit from two things before your yuletide wedding: Techniques on how to argue effectively and couples counseling. The former is all over the Internet – websites offering useful tips (don’t name call, stick to the point, don’t involve alcohol, sit down so you don’t pace, restate the problem calmly if it comes up again, take a breather if things get too heated, apologize for arguing). The latter is a valuable opportunity for you and your intended to discuss important issues – children, in-laws, money, religion, even politics, housekeeping and friendships – your ingrained positions towards them and decisions that work for you both. Ms. L.B. urges you to talk with your fiancé right away and book an appointment with a counselor. You’ll have several months to smooth the way for a walk down the aisle with no doubts:

Hoyt, we’ve been fighting so much, it’s been difficult for us to see that this should be the happiest time of our life. Because I love you so much and I believe we’re so right for each other, I’d like to suggest two things. First, we need to get some couples counseling, and we need it right away. We have to figure out the important differences between us and our thoughts on how we can make things work in harmony, in ways that work for us both. We are two unique people, and we have opinions on big stuff like children and finances. We need an impartial expert to help us sort things out. Second, we need to learn how we can argue without ripping ourselves to shreds. I’ve gone on some websites, and there are a lot of techniques on, believe it or not, good fighting! Look, we’re going to have arguments – this is a part of marriage. Let’s learn to do it right, so we stick to the topic and don’t get personal. I can’t wait to marry you, darling, and I know you feel the same. What do you say? Let’s find a good counselor and get this started.

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