He’s Not Free

6 May

Letterbalm Ball and ChainDear LetterBalm: This is a long story. All through high school I had a distant infatuation with “Adam.” He was way out of my league – basketball star, popular guy, good student. The week of graduation, we were at the same party and got together just one time. (We didn’t have sex, just a lot of foreplay.) Neither of us was drinking, so we knew what we were doing. He got a scholarship to a school out of state, while I went to a local college. Adam and I would run into each other during holidays, summer vacations, alumni reunions, etc. We had friends in common, so sometimes we hung out in a group, no romance. He moved out of town, got married and had kids. I stayed and got married, had kids and divorced. After 15 years, we crossed paths again and started e-mailing and calling. Adam told me he was divorced. He’s been saying that he always had feelings for me and regretted not telling me how he felt. I told him I felt the same. But I just found out he’s still married and has been lying to me. What are just the right words to tell him off and end this stupid odyssey?


Ms. L.B. believes you shouldn’t spend one minute more than necessary to end your crush. Adam may well regard you as the love of his life – but if that’s true, he certainly had many opportunities to tell you so. This only magnifies his deception and puts his character flaws in sharper relief. You need to send him back to his wife and end all interactions. Do whatever you must to make sure Adam can’t contact you via texting, e-mail and calls. When you’re ready, call him. Keep it brief, keep your cool, speak slowly and don’t give him an opportunity to respond:

Adam, this is the last time we’ll be in touch. I just found out that you’re not divorced. You’ve been lying to me. In a way, you’ve done me a big favor. Before things progressed with us and brought heartache to your wife and children, you showed me that you’re a man who can’t be trusted. Don’t contact me again. I want nothing more to do with you. I suggest you work on your marriage, reexamine your character and try to live an honest life.



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