Long Distance Love

17 Aug

Letterbalm Long Distance LoverDear LetterBalm: I’m going into my junior year in college. My boyfriend is a senior at a university several hours away. We see each other every few weeks, holidays, summers, etc., and we text, call or Skype daily to keep our relationship fresh. It’s hard but we’re making it work. We love each other, and I think we will be together when I graduate. My boyfriend seems to be with me because he wants to, not because he needs to. He’s an independent person, I understand that. But sometimes I feel that he can be happy with or without me. He hangs out with friends, but he makes little effort to get together with them if they don’t live close by. Should I be concerned that he won’t be able to commit to me?

–A Little Worried

It sounds like you have misgivings you can’t put your finger on. You should be flattered that your man chooses to stay with you. Needy partners aren’t sexy, confident partners. You need to ask yourself several questions. Is he there when you need him, lending an ear and a strong shoulder? Does he choose to be with his friends only if they don’t ask him for anything? But maybe there’s more here. If he’s just as happy with you as without you, that isn’t love, Ms. L.B. says. Maybe you’re sensing subtly that he’s pulling away because of the long-distance nature of your relationship. Have a calm talk with your beloved the next time you see him. (This type of discussion must be face-to-face so you can gauge his reaction.) Remember, you’re seeking the truth, so you must be prepared to hear it:

Reggie, I need you to share your thoughts and feelings with me. We’ve been a long-distance couple for so long, that I think you might be shutting down and pulling away. You say you love me – and I do believe you – and that you’re with me because you want to be, not because you must. This is very flattering and romantic; a man who knows what he wants is a confident man. But I need to know if, after all this time and when we are ready to live together, you will fully commit to me. What are your thoughts on this? Please tell me the truth, even if it’s bad – we’ve been together too long for anything less.

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